A Day out of Autobot Life
by Randomus Prime
Summary: Channel FSHit wants to make  documentary on the Autobots' daily life. "So, Prime, why did you agree to this in the first place?" "They sent me an e-mail. I thought I was talking to Oprah …" Crack!Fic, mentions of slash, mild language


**A Day out of Autobot Life**

* * *

><p>One day I was thinking ... hey ... why don't I come up with something like this ... and i did ... enjoy ...<p>

Thanks for C.M.D. for support.

I don't own Transformers.

FISHit is a made-up channel as far as I know.

* * *

><p>"Boss! Our stocks are goin' down! If we don' do somethin', we'll be goin' bankrupt!"<p>

"Gentlemen, have no fear. A once in a life time opportunity has knocked on my door last night. Well, to be more exact, an idea came to my mind and that particular idea is more than enough to skyrocket Channel FIShit for another decade."

"It ain't another whacky half-assed comedy show like 'One and two thirds women' for feminists?"

"No, Mr. Staker but thanks for reminding me, we are going to need to replace the lead actor for that one. In any case, I was thinking bigger …"

"Animals with cute hats?"

"Nope."

"The next season of Transklonkers Animated? We did leave a lot of loose ends there."

"Not even close. Jacob, the more loose ends we leave at the end of a season, the less likely we are to produce the next one! Get it through your head! Plus the third movie is coming out; the toys are not going to sell."

"A medical show showing people that even doctors have problems?"

"Nope, 'Apartment M.D.' is the only good show in that respect …"

"Um, sir, we air 'Drew's Anatomy' …"

"Mr. Smith, you are fired, goodbye."

"What?"

"Kidding. Don't do what you did again and I won't do what I just did again. You see people, in their valiant battles with the Decepticons, the Autobots …"

"… we are going to invite one of the Autobots to be on Channel FIShit?"

"Ha! It does not even compare! Ladies and Gentlemen …" the channel director looked at his head staff, "… and Higgins, Channel FIShit will be dispatching a team of our top professionals to … are you ready for this?"

The director gave everybody a few seconds to adjust their positions in chairs, fix their bow ties, drink a glass of water, pull up their pants and apply makeup.

"A team of professionals to document all the details of …"

"ONE OF THEIR BATTLES?"

"Shut up, Higgins. The details of a single day in their lives."

"Marvelous idea!"

"Oh gracious goodness, what a fervor it will summon! Oh, silly old chap! I knew with your witty mind and unassuming personality we would pull through! Great work, lad, indeed!"

"Quite!"

"Sir, I do have a question."

"Shoot, Mr. Smith."

"How are we going to arrange it?"

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Can I talk to them?"

"Shut up, Higgins. I have already contacted Optimus Prime and he gave us permission to come aboard …" the director held his breath and with a smile, slowly exhaling, he continued, "… The Ark."

"This is gonna be so worth it!"

"Channel Freaking Interesting Super hits will be the king!"

* * *

><p>"Where the fuck is that God-damn mountain?"<p>

The crew had been driving in circles for hours, tired and hungry; they finally decided to take another break and try to get their bearings.

"This is not worth it," Mark sipped some water and poured a little on his head, "This is freaking annoying! Who the fuck do they think we are? Pathfinders? Julie, tell Hulio to call the freaking rangers and tell us where to go."

"Already did, sir," a young woman answered, "No reception."

"Fucking damn it."

"Hey, son," a rather sizable man of old age came out of one of the jeeps, "These maps are freaking crap. Who in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ drew this stuff? A finger painting five year old?"

"Lando, I know but …"

"Mark, son, I ain't blaming you," the aged male took his specs off and began wiping them with a cloth, "Jesus doesn't approve of blaming people …"

"Hey, guys! Look!" Hulio climbed up on one of the cars and shielding his eyes with his one hand and the other pointing off to some distance on the horizon, "Look! It's the Autobots!"

Everybody stopped whatever they were doing and gazed to where their younger member was pointing. A green colored Mitsubishi military jeep and a white and blue Formula-1 race car, both without drivers, were making their way through the searing heat.

"… well EXCUSE fucking me Mr. Clean …"

"Hey! I gotta wash up every time so you don't get to bitch, you whiny bitch!"

"Yes I get to whine because you can't get your game up!"

"I can get things up, higher than you at least."

"Excuse me," Mark coughed, "Would you guys mind guiding us to The Ark, please? We are from FIShit, Optimus Prime …"

"Oh, you happy now? You made the humans uncomfortable!"

"Um, Hound, sir," the man cautiously approached the stopping vehicle, "It's all right, we can forget that ever happened."

"You were wrong, again! What a surprise."

"Shut up, you!" Hound transformed and leaned down to talk to Mark, "How did you guys get lost? Is something wrong with something or what?"

"Hound, sir, look at these maps and tell me what you think," Lando came up to the green jeep and handed over a few large pieces of paper, "I believe we got lost because of the moron who made these."

"Who the hell drew this?" Mirage transformed too and took a look at the maps and squinting, he slowly turned to his companion, "A five year old finger painting?"

"Um, guys!" Hulio and Julie stepped in, "Would you be so kind to guide us to The Ark? We will be forever grateful, seňores."

"Yes," Hound looked at the Formula-1, "Yes we can."

* * *

><p>"Urgh! Stuck on guard duty again when there are plenty of Decepto-creep butt to be scrapped," Cliffjumper began pacing at the entrance to the Autobot Headquarters, "Where are those two bucket heads? You see anything, 'Bee?"<p>

"Relax, Cliffy!" The yellow mech shifted on the rock into a more comfortable position. "Hound is probably dragging Mirage off to see more sites."

"They were supposed to come back over a cycle ago," the red Autobot kicked a nearby stone and didn't notice how it hit a sneaking Ravage on the head and knocked the cassettecon out cold, "Probably reportin' to Megatron."

"Cliffjumper! Will you let it go already?" Bumblebee stood up and put his hands on his hips, "Mirage, in case you forgot, brought down the Decepticon star cruiser."

"Yea, yea," the mech wasn't too big on letting things go, "We'll see."

"Oh well," the yellow bug raised his head and examined the horizon, "Oh, look! Here they come now and they've got humans with them. Huh, this should be interesting."

"Welcome to The Ark!" Bumblebee approached the filming crew, "What's your business here?"

"Tell us or I will blow a hole in you."

"Forgive Cliffjumper," the yellow mech leaned down and covering his mouth so that the red Autobot wouldn't hear him, he whispered to the filming crew and their guides, "It is that time of the month."

"What ya sayin' there boy? You talkin' behind mah back?"

"We got a job to do here. I believe Optimus Prime knows that Channel FIShit is coming?"

"Let me take you to him, right this way, you can leave your cars here."

"Oh! Vaya, hombre! This is great!"

"We'll come with you," Hound and Mirage transformed, "It has been getting rather hectic."

"Decepticon attacks?"

"No, some internal … um … issues … let's go with that."

"Nrgh, if they do something stupid, shoot 'em 'bee."

* * *

><p>The further the filming crew walked into the humongous crashed shuttle, the more they came into awe of the powerful and far more advanced alien technologies.<p>

"This is amazing! After all the millions of years the ship remained intact!"

"Sturdy Autobot design!" Bumblebee smiled and patted one of the walls, "One of the best ships we got is now our Headquarters. We all love the good ol' …"

The yellow 'bot never finished his sentence because two mechs, red and yellow, almost the size of Hound, silently sprinted through the hall holding a bottle of glue, a large cube of spicy energon and two universal remotes.

"Hi! Bye!"

"You didn't see us."

"What are they up to this time," Mirage facepalmed and grimaced; the infamous pranks of Stunstreaker and Sideswipe drove everyone insane sometimes.

"I dunno," Hound looked in the direction the two twins ran off to, "But that way was to the cafeteria so I am making my own dinner tonight."

"All right," Bumblebee waved his hand, "Let's keep …"

"Hey guys!" Ratchet, Jazz and Seaspray came running around the corner, "You didn't see Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, did ya?"

"Yes," the minibot answered, "They went to the engine room, why?"

"They are, um," the saboteur looked at the Mark, Lando, Hulio and Julie, "Eh, they are … um … Ratchet you explain."

"W-wait!" The medic reached out to hold Jazz back but he already disappeared around the corner. The medbot looked at the four humans, "Um, they were … Seaspray, take care of this one."

"Darn it!" Seaspray looked at the guests, "Sunstreaker and Sideswipe are … they … CLASSIFIED!"

"Uh-huh," Mark had a feeling this was going to be an interesting experience "Classified, eh? So, they went to the engine room?"

"This is so gonna be worth it."

* * *

><p>Finally they made their way to the control center and surely, there he was, the famous leader of the Autobots – Optimus Prime.<p>

"… but …"

"Optimus, if you use it one more time to make pop-coils, I will take it away from you!"

"… but Alpha Trion! It takes so long to prepare it with the microwave!"

"THE MATRIX IS NOT TO MAKE MIDMNIGHT SNACKS WHILE WATCHING TRANSKLONKERS ANIMATED!"

"Yea, well, at least it is going to a fucking better use than it was in your hands!"

"Oh, really?"

"How the hell did you manage to shove the whole thing up Elita One's …"

"Hey! I was drunk!"

"Ahem, Optimus?" Bumblebee stepped forward, "The Channel FIShit guys are here."

"Oh," Prime looked at the filming crew, "We were … just … discussing … Decepticon strategy, um, in a secret code me and Alpha Trion made so that, um, the Decepticons won't be able to hear our, eh, deep discussions. Yes, let's go with that. Trion we are going to, um, continue our discussion later, but I still think you are too bitchy about all of it!"

"We shall talk later," the ancient mech closed the channel.

"So," the leader walked up to the humans, "You can start whenever you want. All areas except for Teletraan I's core are available to you. Bumblebee, show them to their quarters. Unfortunately, I have to go do some … important … Autobot … business … stuff … but if you have any questions feel free to ask anybody."

"Hey Optimus," Huffer walked into the room, "Where did Alpha Trion shove The Matrix into Elita One?"

"Shut up, Huffer."

* * *

><p>"So, seňor Mark, where do you propose we start?"<p>

"First we are going to walk around, capture some scenery …"

"Son, you better have a plan."

"Relax, Lando, I do, Julie helped me out a little bit. Then we are going visit some of them in their quarters, then the gym, training grounds, the cafeteria, the lab and then we'll see how much time we got left."

"Sounds like a plan, son."

"All right, let's get started, crew!"

After taking a minute to wash up and prepare the equipment, the four armed themselves with recording devices of all sorts and set off to do the first stages of their job. Walking through the halls, taking footage and engaging in discussion, they became witnesses to a number of intriguing episodes.

* * *

><p>"… Tracks! Why are you doing this? Why are you leaving me?"<p>

"I am sorry, Huffer, but I really do have to go. Seaspray can't do these things alone you know …"

"I thought we had something special!"

"Oh, honey." A tri-colored mech stepped out in the hall and saw the filming crew with their cameras pointed at him as the Autobot was fixing his crotch piece. After a few seconds of dead silence, Tracks slowly finished what he was doing, straightened up and looked back into the room. "Shut up, Huffer."

* * *

><p>"INFERNO!"<p>

"Yes, Optimus?"

"CALM YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND DOWN!"

"YOU ALL JUST WANT TO TAKE ME APART FOR SPARE PARTS!"

"CONTROL YOUR FEMMEBOT!"

* * *

><p>"Quietly," Mark said as he peeked around the corner, "No noise; don't even breathe."<p>

Julie, Lando and Hulio followed their boss and, they too, carefully looked around the corner. There they saw Hound pushing Mirage to the wall with his body.

"You … you … you …"

"You can clean yourself as much as you want but you are a dirty," the green mech slowly brushed his leg against the Formula-1's, "Dirty, dirty mech."

"H-H-H-Hound, others may see us."

"They will see what a dirty little slut you are."

"Y-you are the one who makes me dirty!"

"Oh yes I do. So, what do you say? My quarters?"

"Ah, ah, y-y-yes."

"First I will get a nice pile of some of the filthiest mud, then I will lay you down and finger paint all over you."

"Oooooh."

"You like that? Wait until I …"

"ACHEW!"

Mark and his crew jumped from surprise.

"Who the fuck sneezed?" The man glared at all three. "I will fire your stupid ass so fast that your mother will be f…"

"Mirage! That's disgusting! In my freaking face!"

"I am sorry!"

"No, no," Hound drew his face so close that their lips almost touched and the other could feel his breath brushing against his face plates, "I like it."

* * *

><p>"… oh yes, look at that!"<p>

Mark and his team stumbled upon a very strange object in one of the many halls. It was a spherical object about half of a meter in diameter, with some tubing sticking out, tiny holes all over and strange markings encircling the surface.

"What is it, son?"

"I don't know but we are getting it on tape."

"Okie-doks. Camera never stops rollin'."

"So, what do you think this is guys?"

"Maybe it is a ball for some sport! Oh! Autobot soccer! Ai caramba!"

"Probably it is part of their defense mechanisms."

"It's an object of worship, son."

"Hey!" A grey, old looking mech approached them, one hand on his leg, using another to lean on the wall to help him walk. "You guys haven't seen my hip joint, have ya? Damn younglings... reminds me of the time on Omgitsthem I, the Fangurls just kept coming and showered us with -oh, there it is!"

* * *

><p>"… so tell us a little bit about yourself first."<p>

"Ka-blam! Tadam! Name's Warpath! Boom!"

"Is it hard to live on Earth with the constant Decepticon menace?"

"Waham! We whoop their asses more times than I care to count! Zig! Wahoom!"

"What part of the day do you like best?"

"Taboom! Hapew! I am loving target practice! Faboom! Love it! Never miss!"

"What is your greatest quality?"

"Boom! Can't you see her? Ain't she a … Fapow! … beauty?"

"Do you ever miss?"

"FAHABADOW! Never! Fewboom!"

"Hey, Warpath, why don't you tell him of the time you shot and missed Arcee a year ago at that orgy and got in her eye your seme…"

"FABOOM!," Warpath shot a cryogenic bolt at the minobot, "Shut up, Huffer. Wazam!"

"We are so editing this part out."

* * *

><p>"Blaster, sir!"<p>

"Yo, Blaster here and crankin'!"

"Would you mind answering some questions?"

"Sure, filming man! What's sizzling up your circuits?"

"In your service to the Autobot cause over millions of years, you must have learned a lot about battle and life in general. Can you give your fans any tips or suggestions?"

"Man, I got fans? Hell yeah! Yo! Jazz! You heard that? I got myself some fangirls! Let's crackalak it! Yo, dear fans! Blaster here and kickin' it in style! You kids crank dat music to the max or if ya ever bored tune in to my radio frequency and party like no tomorrow! Shock it out, ow!"

"For real, man!," the saboteur stepped into the interview, "And if ya want to have some real fun, go to 108.5 The Jazz for the freshest stuff!"

"But if ya want the best, 109.7 Blaster Master! 24/7!"

"And if you really want to bring down the house, check out my specials of the year starting from 11 p.m. for the whole hour!"

"You a party animal? Go check out my station for independent artists!"

"We, too, have independent artists!"

"Ya, after you stole them from us."

"Nuh-huh! We came up with the first broadcast!"

"You got nothing independent going on there!"

"Yo, you calling me a thief, bitch?"

"That's it, J-ass, DANCE BATTLE!"

"Mark, I think we better get out of here."

"DANCE BATTLE!"

"Run, but leave a camera in the corner."

* * *

><p>"Hey everyone!"<p>

A little crowd of Autobots was flocking an orange mech with flames painted on his chest plate.

"Check this out! Here, I got a small barrel full of Mechtos and a whole barrel of Cyber-Cola; get ready!"

The robot quickly ate all the Cybertronian candy, gulped down the refreshment in microseconds and faced one of the tables with a few bottles put on them.

"Let it rip!"

Everybody quickly got some distance behind him and closely observed, all waiting or the fun to start.

"What's happening?" Ultra Magnus walked into the room wishing to find out what the crowd in the hall was for.

"Hey," the orange mech turned to greet his superior, "Maggie check it …ou-GLBAAAA..."

* * *

><p>"Hello good sir! Would you mind introducing yourself?"<p>

"Indeed! My name is Bluestreak. You know, I wanted a different name but they named me Bluestreak. Look at me! I am not blue! Neither am I a streak! By the way what is a streak? Is it something you talk to and it grows like plants or …"

"Would you mind if we asked you some questions?"

"Oh, sure! Whatever questions you have, I will answer them no problem. You know what the problem is with questions? Some of them are paradox questions. I personally do not mind but they piss off Prowl quite a lot, I remember a few days ago …"

"What do you think of Earth?"

"Earth is a great planet! I love the culture! Most of the people are very lovable and are very good listeners. Oh, how they listen! They just freeze in place and just stare at me waiting for something so I begin talking to them, asking them questions. I don't think they ever actually answered my questions but who can blame them …"

"How dangerous can it get in battle with the Decepticons?"

"Oh, it can get rather dangerous. We had times when almost all of us got wiped out and there were times when the Decepticons bit the dust, but we manage to win so far with so little casualties that I believe we deserve a medal. I am joking of course. Speaking of jokes, what is it with those jokes about chickens crossing roads and others involving doors and knocking and …

"Do you miss Cybertron?"

"Well, yes and no. You see, Cybertron is a very beautiful place in its own right, however I think of Earth to be my new home, I want to protect it and see it grow into a beautiful civilization! Oh, speaking of civilizations, what was that race's name that had The Pool of Transformation? Oh goodness, whatever their name was, I can't remember! Hey, Prowl, what was the name of those people with …"

"The Well of Transformation and they were the Tlakakans and why are you talking?"

"Well, these kind humans have asked me to answer their questions so …"

"You are asking me questions now …"

"Well, yes but I just wanted to make sure I got the facts straight …"

"Yes. Let's get something straight then, you can talk and talk and know nothing of the facts so …"

"Speaking of facts, I heard a certain someone couldn't get his game up …"

"What? That's not true! Where did you hear that?"

"I heard that in the cafeteria! Oh! Don't be embarrassed! Happens to the best of us, like never!"

"Hey! I can get it up! I can probably get it further up there than you could ever hope to, even pumped with mechiagra!"

"Don't need any, I know how to work my way around a mech …"

"… loiter …"

"… obnoxious …"

"… idiot …"

"… moron …"

"… dumbass …"

"… retard …"

"… slut …"

"… bitch …"

"… whore …"

" … f…"

"Ok! Thank you for taking your time to answer some of our questions; good day!"

* * *

><p>"All right," Mark rubbed his hands together, "Now we go to the gym!"<p>

"Excuse me!"

"Passing through!"

A yellow mech and a red mech suddenly ran out of the doors leading to their target facility, quietly laughing, with an almost empty bottle of glue in their hands, a cube half-full of spicy energon and two universal remotes.

"Hi! Bye!"

"You didn't see us!"

"Well," the team leader looked at his crew, raised his hand with the camera and boldly entered the gym, "You heard them, we didn't see them."

It was quite a nice place, lots of room with lots of work out benches, weight lifting stations, treadmills and other exercising machines. Whatever Sunstreaker and Sideswipe did with that glue, Mark Clovicelli was determined to capture it on tape. Soon enough, the Autobots began coming in.

The first to arrive was Iron Hide and after a short explanation of what Channel FIShit was doing in the gym, the tough mech lied down on the bar lifter and began exercising with the human crew looking at him with confusion, expecting to see something else.

"I thought that they glued all the equipment together," Julie whispered to her three co-workers, "What is going on here?"

"Maybe the glue takes time to get all sticky?"

"What do you think they used the spicy energon for?"

"I guess we will find out eventually."

As the four were quietly talking, more and more Autobots came to work out, eventually occupying every machine. Springer, Hot Rod, Brawn, Skyfire and Cliffjumper occupied the rest of the bar lifters. Bluestreak, Windcharger, Pipes, Kup, Arcee and Trailbreaker took the treadmills. Powerglide, Warpath, Gears, Prowl, Blaster, Red Alert, Inferno, Grapple, Hoist, Tracker, Smokescreen, Skids, Cosmos and Beachcomber took the rest.

"All right, kids," Lando said after a few minutes of waiting, "I propose we take some footage of them working out real hard and then we keep on moving."

"Okie dokes," Mark stretched his shoulders, "Lez get ter work people!"

Taking a good hour's worth of the mechs work out and awing at their physical capabilities, they were about to leave when Iron Hide got up and told everybody to stop.

"Okay, people. The Hour of Endurance is over; you can all now get your specialized energon refreshments from that table over there. Good job Autobots! You worked really hard today!"

"Oh, thank The Matrix!"

"Finally!"

"Oh, man, I was about to collapse right there …"

"Too … much … work out … must … get … drink …"

"Hey, Iron Hide, sir," Mark approached the red mech, "What is the Endurance hour and the specialized energon refreshments?"

"All right guys! Just line up against the line and I will give you the signal when to go, we still got thirty nanoseconds left in the hour," Iron Hide turned to the humans to answer the questions, "The Endurance Hour is basically once a week thing we do 'round here, no drinks allowed during the whole work out as we push our bodies to the limits. An ancient Autobot tradition."

"We beat Decepticon ass!"

"Oh yeah! I am feelin' the burn!"

"Woot!"

"Hell yeah!"

"… and the drinks?"

"You see all these guys? They are soldiers. After battle, a soldier is rewarded with spoils of war. So to motivate them better in this case, I asked Perceptor to make each of them energon drinks according to their specific tastes. Nobody is allowed anywhere near the table until the whole hour is passed to the last microsecond."

"Oh, the taste of victory?"

"Hell yeah!" All the Autobots turned and cheered for a few seconds only to be interrupted by Iron Hide.

"Line up! Cliffjumper! Countdown!"

"Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, BLAST OFF!"

"Here we go! Everybody, move to the corner, good, now," Mark said with an evil smile on his face, secured the camera really tightly on a shoulder and begun his own countdown, "seven, six …"

The Autobots ran up to the table.

"… five …"

They found their individual bottles lined up in their usual places.

"… four …"

Sighing, the mechs opened up their bottles.

"… three …"

Each took a second to savor the appetizing aromas of their specific refreshments.

"… two …"

All began drinking from the bottles; some were gulping the whole thing down and some actually drinking it.

"… one …"

Everyone suddenly stopped and dropped their drinks.

" … Blast off!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT …"

"AAARGGGGGHHHHAAAAAAAA!"

"#JT(!*#Y($*TH!$(UE{OGH!H{#!{WEQ"

"FUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

"MOMMY!"

"TO THE CAFETERIA! WE NEED TO COVER IT UP!"

"OIL!"

"OOOOIIIIIIILLLL!

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Followed by the Channel FIShit crew, the Autobots sprinted out of the gym and to the cafeterium, swarming the halls and stomping down everything that got in their path with coolant richly pouring out of their optic sensors.

"I guess the glue was a decoy."

* * *

><p>"Hm, whatever did they do with the concentrated spicy energon?"<p>

Jazz and Ratchet had been trying to figure it out for cycles already. They knew it would be added to some sort of substance but so far there were no signs of Sideswipe and Sunstreaker anywhere since they lost them back in the engine room, and no cries of alarm either.

"Seaspray, Bumblebee, you guys find anything yet?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Nope.

"How did they even get so much of it?"

"Oh," Ratchet turned to the saboteur, "My fault. I wanted to perform a study to see how …"

"OIL!"

"AAAAHHHHH!"

"IT BURNS!"

"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"

"What the …"

A horde of screaming transformers flooded the room and breaking everything in their way, they rushed to the four mechs behinds the counter.

"OIL!"

"OIL!"

"OIL!"

"AAAAAA!"

"Holy Matrix on a Pixie Stick!" The mechs took out as many glasses as they could and quickly began filling them up with oil and handed them over to their distressed comrades. Violently gulping down glass after glass, the room for a few seconds was filled with the sound of temporary relief.

"Ah, for a second there I thoAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"IT BURNS EVEN STRONGER!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"  
>"MAKE IT STOP! I WILL BE GOOD! I WILL BE GOOD!"<p>

"This is weird," Seaspray dipped his finger into the oil barrel and sampled it, "It is noOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA! HOOOOOOOOOOOT!"

"AAAAAAAAA!"

"MOMMY! I AM SORRY!"

"OH ANCESTORS HELP US!"

"BY THE MATRIX! AAAAHHHHH!"

"I AM GONNA DIE! I AM GONNA DIIIIIIEEEEE!"

"What the fuck is going on?" Optimus Prime walked into the cafeteria with Prowl and Ultra Magnus by his side. Taking a closer look at the situation, the Autobot leader facepalmed, "Oh shit, what the fuck did the twins do this time?"

* * *

><p>"Ok, just a little bit here, a wee bit here and …"<p>

A big explosion destroyed a nearby wall that the FIShit crew was just passing by. Disallowing themselves to miss this, they sprinted in on the action.

"Oh dear! Wheeljack! Are you intact?"

"Yea, Perceptor, just the fuckin' piece-a-crap exploded in my face again."

"Oh yes, explode in your face but not in mine …"

"Hey! Whazzat supposed tah mean? You never got me to that point in the first place! 'Sides, you said you like it that way!"

"Hey, Wheeljack, had a premature detonation? Nghegheghegheghe…"

"Shut up, Huffer."

* * *

><p>"All right, how much time do we have left?"<p>

"We got just under five hours left, seňor."

"Okie doks, let's take a short nap and power through the rest of the …"

A loud crashing noise and thundering roars kicked whatever sleep the FIShit crew had out of their systems as they sprinted to capture yet another grand moment in everyday life of the Autobots.

"ME GRIMLOCK NO LIKE TELEVISION!"

"Oh, this should be good," Mark whispered to his crew.

"ME GRIMLOCK BASH TELEVISION BRAIN!"

"No! Grimlock! That thing costs a boatload! What's the problem? Are you watching 'Powerfluff Gals?"

"Dinobots want to watch 'Dinosaur Forest' but stupid television not have brain to stay on one channel! You, Kup, fix it!"

"Eh, fine. Reminds me of Kuroshitsuji III, the Butla got very angry and …" the older mech looked at the dinobot leader, "Grimlock, it is fine, the channels are not switching."

"Me Grimlock no like this, thank you, Kup," the mech sat down among with his subordinates to continue watching the dinosaur-y program.

"You are welcome."

Kup didn't even reach the end of the hall when Grimlock and the dinobots again made a ruckus.

"ME GRIMLOCK NO LIKE PONIES WITH RAINBOWS!"

"NO! GRIMLOCK! DON'T PUNCH THE TV!"

"Channel switch again!"

"Did you press any buttons on the remote?"

"No!" The dinobot pointed at the remote on the table lying just the way Kup left it. "We not touch nothing!"

"All right, all right," Kup waved his hands to try and calm down the pissed off transformer, "How 'bout this? I will sit down with you and we are gonna watch your show together …"

"Me, Grimlock love spending time with Kup!"

The old mech sat along with the dinobots and watched "Dinosaur Forest" with them. It was near the end of the program just when Lando opened his mouth to suggest wrapping it up when …

"I guess …" the main character of the tv show turned to look at the viewers taking off his glasses, "… these robot dinosaurs just got …"

"Never gonna give you up," the screen suddenly changed, "Never gonna give you up …"

"GROAR!"

"Never gonna …"

Grimlock became a huge, metallic ball of pure rage and concentrated fury; he cannon-balled himself at the TV, completely obliterating it along the next six walls behind it.

The FIShit crew ran through the gigantic hole in the wall to film more of the truly ferocious power of the mighty Autobot but stopped in the very first room.

There he was, Perceptor, the greatest Cybertronian mind, suspended off the ceiling and bound. Two blind folds were on his face: one covering his eyes saying "Naughty Science-boy" and the other covering his mouth with "Use Me as You Wish" written across it; his spike hung in an active spike-pump, and a rather big dildo sticking out of his aft as the Technobots were licking energon goodies off of him.

"Ai …"

"… what …"

"… the …"

"… fuck …"

* * *

><p>"… that was …"<p>

"We are not putting it on the film."

"Aye."

"I agree."

"Sí."

"So …"

"Alert! Alert! Decepticons, inbound!"

"Oh! Awesome! Crew, let's go do our job!"

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime ordered Iron Hide, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe to keep Mark and his crew safe by all means necessary.<p>

"Autobots! Transform and attack!"

The whole area quickly became a battlefield, Decepticons pining down most of the Autobots at their positions, disallowing them to move a single inch. Under heavy fire, some managed to maneuver around the rocks and other covers. Knowing how dangerous it was, the filming crew decided to film as much as they could from their own spot.

"Ah! My arm! It got blown off!"

"Screw your arm! I lost my milkshake!"

They really wanted to see who was having this conversation but did not dare to move under the barrage of fire.

"Why did you bring a milkshake to a warzone?"

"I am lactose intolerant!"

"What the fuck does that have anything to do with anything?"

"We will fart them into submission!"

"YOU ARE A ROBOT YOU FUCKTARD!"

* * *

><p>"Wow, thank you so much Optimus Prime!"<p>

"You are very welcome, Mark, Julie, Lando and Hulio. You will always be welcome friends here."

"This definitely was the most interesting experience in my whole life!"

"Ha! I bet it was, Mark, I bet it was."

"We will send you a copy once we are done over Teletraan I. I am hoping to be done with it by the end of the month."

"Take your time with it, we won't mind."

"Well, thanks again! Stay safe guys!"

"Bye!"

"Adios!"

"Take care of yerselves, lads!"

"Autobots! Attention!"

Watching the humans drive away for a few more minutes, escorted by Hound and Mirage, Prowl walked up to his leader.

"So, Prime, why did you agree to this in the first place?"

"They sent me an e-mail. I thought I was talking to Oprah …"

* * *

><p>P.S. Mirage and Hound made up … and had sex … many many times …<p>

P.P.S. Blaster vs Jazz dance battle became the biggest internet phenomenon yet.

P.P.P.S. Alpha Trion got lonely a few times … give him a break! He is an old man! Let him have some fun for crying out loud! And yes, Elita One, Arcee, Perceptor and Tracks are all heavily into interfacing … (sorry CMD)

P.P.P.P.S. Ravage stayed unconscious for another day after this. Soundwave decided to give Lazerbeak a break because of all the things that happened to him. Poor, poor Lazerbeak …

P.P.P.P.P.S. Hot Rod got … his stomach contents all over his loved one … and everybody else … The lambo twins were punished … Perceptor and the Technobots were having fun … Grimlock didn't notice because he was so angry. I would be too if I got rick rolled like that … well .. would laugh after … everybody eventually got rid of the spicy energon taste from their mouths … it hurt like hell though … Optimus really did think he was taking to Oprah over e-mail … Mark and his team managed to somehow put together an awesome documentary … though the whole footage got out on the internet for everyone to see … everything … and yes, the Decepticons saw all of it … and wept …

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

Well, there you guy shave it! I hope I put all the page breaks in place ...

In any case, I hope you enjoyed it, this one started off as a 3-4 pages idea which randomly sprung out into more than 3-4 pages fic.

Some parts I came up with rather easily, some took a while. I nearly invoked The Wrath of Crescent-Moon-Demon upon myself on two different occasions in this pieces, try to guess which ones.

A bagillion thanks and a hug to C.M.D. for reading this ... twice ... and not killing me ... more than twice ... thank you~

Let's see what else, oh, forgive my inability to write a decent Author's Notes section this time because I got Beyblade theme stuck in my head ... I hate it being stuck ... why couldn't I get caramelldansen looping in my mind ... it is a much better song!


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